a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize