Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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