her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
