Cold hands, warm shart.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
