Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I love you.
Bad choice
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
