Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
