no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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