Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
