I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
