I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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