I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
