For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
