The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
