Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
