You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
