Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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