the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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