Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
