all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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