I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
