You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
