My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
