you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
