Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
