Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
