So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Let's get the cat blown out
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
