Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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