headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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