The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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