In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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