I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
