i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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