Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
