Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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