You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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