I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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