the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
