i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
