update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
