I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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