My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
