A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
