OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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