he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
