im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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