this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
