She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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