she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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