I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
