I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
