dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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