I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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