HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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