Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
