I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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