Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
