WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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