the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
