Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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