Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
