Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
