Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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