i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize