Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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