ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize