Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
